Happy Fathers Day :'(

Its only a trivial matter, and yet the tears can't stop flowing. From what I deduced, I've made some bad decisions these two days.

Yesterday, the talentime committee had a karaoke session. I knew I shouldn't have, but I did go anyway. 12.30 am singing. My throat had that bad feeling and I ignored it. My mind had 2 contradicting voices.. they were either a voice of reason and a voice of temptation.. when I made my decision to go, I didn't feel good. I went for the sake of going. True enough, I didn't exactly enjoy myself at all. Too many people.. It felt like foundation karaoke.. I was choking... It felt nice only for a while.. then the feeling faded away..

Today..is the worst thing ever.. and I can tell you that I only blame no one but myself. I have no Idea what had actually happened to me..not thinking things through before I make a big decision.. There's a fact about me...I don't actually know when to say "no".

I had planned to go back today.. due to the fact that its father's day, i have to take my management book, and attend my church's luncheon..my bro's going to be there.. when raymond who assumed I was going back at night, tried to persuade me to go back after the 5.30 pm church service...

francis called me that friday night to confirm and i asked my mom about it.. my parents said okay.. I found out later they said ok thinking I had already bought the ticket... but my plan was to go there and buy and go back straight away...

I shouldn't have gone to the service anyway...I couldn't pay attention because I was worried I couldn't get a ticket. I was equally excited wit what I planned to do when I do get there.. and then, raymond who promised to send me to pudu at 7.15, came out from the service at 7.30. It was in those 15 minutes I started crying.. I absolutely despise a 'promise' not done... what he said was.. by 7.15 must be out... Now, I'm not mad at miscommunication, I'm dissappointed at the punctuality. From the time I stepped in the car, to the moment I got the call frm mom to cancel the trip ( due to danger), till the time I got home, the tears can't stop streaming down... I can't understand why.

Was it because I plan to pour out all my early semester experience?
was it because I wanted to reduce my dad's calorie intake through the nutrition subject I learned?
was it because I just wanted to see my dear brother back home?
was it because I wanted home-cooked food?
was it bacause I just want to sit with them watching astro together?
was it because I needed my father's nutty jokes?
was it because I just needed to be close to mom and dad?

sometimes, I can't tell, which is part of God's plan and which is just a decision disaster. I'm certainly as devastated as the time I knew I failed my maths test..

My rationality says, "don't dwell on it. It's nothing, only a small matter",
My emotion says, "Stupid!! why didn't you think it through!! you should have made sure everything was clear with everyone!! Look what you've caused.. now you troubled your brother to have to bring your things to you!!".....

Pleasing people is so hard..because It doesn't work both ways...
These are the times, I hate myself for making myself feel bad.. maybe that's why I can't stop crying...

Just going to sleep it off and start doing my work tomorrow. (now's 11 pm)